A Complete Military History of France -- :=))

From: J. Forster (jfor@quik.com)
Date: Mon Feb 17 2003 - 20:08:46 PST

Warning... No MV content

> The Complete Military History of France
> - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
> of French history, France is conquered by an Italian.
> - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic
> who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's
> armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
> -Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to
> lose two wars when fighting Italians.
> - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
> - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
> to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the
> other participants started ignoring her.
> - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
> chapeaux.
> -The Dutch War - Tied.
> -War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian
> War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
> Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of
> French military power.
> -War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
> first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
> - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
> Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw
> far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and
> leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when
> America does most of the fighting."
> - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
> also French.
> - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
> Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match
> for a British footwear designer.
> - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
> frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
> - World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
> United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to
> not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her
> "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces
> forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
> -World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
> Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
> - War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
> the Dien Bien Flu.
> - Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
> by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
> Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is
> identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English,
> Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
> - War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders
> to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to
> Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
> The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
> be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
> collapses?"
> "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
> accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

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