From: Steve & Jeanne Keith (cckw@attbi.com)
Date: Sun Mar 16 2003 - 14:16:40 PST
----- Original Message -----
From: "Nigel Hay - MILWEB" <Nigel@milweb.net>
To: "Military Vehicles Mailing List" <mil-veh@mil-veh.org>
Sent: Sunday, March 16, 2003 3:48 PM
Subject: [MV] The French complete military history
> Make your own minds up......
>
> THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE
>
>
> Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
> of French history, France is conquered by an Italian.
>
> Hundred Years War - Mostly lost. Saved at last by female schizophrenic
who
> inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare, i.e., "France's
> armies are
> victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
>
> Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose
> two wars when fighting Italians.
>
> Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
>
> Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to
> get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
> participants started ignoring her.
>
> War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
> chapeaux.
>
> The Dutch War - Tied
>
> War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War -
> Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
> Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French
> military power.
>
> War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
> first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved every since.
>
> American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
> Americans, France claims a win even though the colonists saw far more
> action. This is later known as the "de Gaulle Syndrome" and leads to the
> Second Rule of French
> Warfare, i.e., "France wins only when America does most of the fighting."
>
> French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
> French.
>
> The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!)
> Due to leadership of a short Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
> British footwear designer.
>
> The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken
> fat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
>
> World War One - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United
> States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to
sleep
> with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
> use of condoms
> by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
>
> World War Two - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
> Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
>
> War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with
> the
> Dien Bien Flu.
>
> Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by
> a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
of
> Muslim Warfare, i.e., "We can always beat the French." This rule is
> identical to
> the First Rule of the English, Italian, Russian, German, Dutch, Spanish,
> Vietnamese and Eskimo warfare.
>
> War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders
to
> Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
> ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
>
> Conclusion - From Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf over the weekend:
>
> "Worrying about going to war without the French is like worrying about
going
> deer hunting without your accordion."
>
>
>
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This archive was generated by hypermail 2.1.4 : Wed Apr 23 2003 - 13:25:52 PDT