Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm
sorry, but allof our units are out at the moment, or
are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with
your country, name of organization, the region, the
specific crisis, and a number at which we can call
you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq,
Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the
streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory
"Consideration Of Others" training, we will return
your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more
options, please listen to the following numbers:
If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1
for the United States Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate
and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low
risk,high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for
the United States Air Force. Please note this
service is not available after 1630 hours, or on
weekends. Special consideration will be given to
customers requiring satellite or stealth technology
who can provide additional research and development
funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be
resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a
really good marching band, please write, well in
advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that
Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will
be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the
Rapid Deployment Force.
If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and
your call will be routed to the United States Army
Special Operations Command. Please note that a
compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you
can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware
that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is
not required to tell you why, as it will be
classified.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to
be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis,
put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from
civilization, are prepared to work your *** off daily,
risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both
day
and night, and while watching Congress erode your
original benefits package, then please stay on the
line, Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter
passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down
by the Post Office.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to
contact the United States Army.
===
Joe Baker
Major, Cavalry
Formerly of the
1st Squadron, 2d Armored Cavalry Regiment (Germany)
and the 418th Med Co (AMB) RVN
_________________________________________________________
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